In his Daily Encounter series in ACTS International, a Christian Ministry website on how to be spiritual without being religious, Dick Innes wrote about the importance of Personal Honesty as Key to Effective Relationships.
He shares about his personal experience that to be like, he thought he had to be strong like the Rock of Gibraltar. Let the storms rage, the lightning strike, the winds blast, and the seas beat violently against it, and there the rock stands solid and secure.
He thought that showing expressions of fear and anger were signs of weakness and bad, so he never showed these emotions. Especially, he thought, being a man, he must certainly never show any hurt feelings or cry. Through years of practice, he learned to hide his emotions and put on a brave front, and pretended to be something outwardly that he wasn’t feeling inwardly.
However, he soon learned that his being like a rock made him a very unfeeling person. He felt not real and unable to relate intimately to anyone. He instead hid his true real self from others.
He now acknowledges that one of the serious side effects of denying and hiding our emotions is that we deposit them in our unconscious memory bank where they build up unhealthy interest. The payoff is that we either withdraw or become defensive, touchy, hostile, non-feeling, cold and distant, and/or depressed.
Or we act out these buried emotions through destructive behavior or physical illnesses. Medical science reminds us that unresolved emotions such as fear, sorrow, envy, resentment and hatred are responsible for many of our sicknesses. Estimates vary from 60 percent to nearly 100 percent.
The point is, whenever we fail to admit our faults and talk or write out our negative feelings in creative ways, we inevitably act them out in self-destructive behaviour.
Dr. Cecil Osborne, author and counselor wrote, “Many persons bury feelings which they find unacceptable. For instance, one learned as a child that hate, greed, jealousy, fear and lust were ‘bad.’ ‘You shouldn’t feel that way,’ is the message which the child received, verbally or otherwise. Furthermore, by a clever bit of unconscious dishonesty, one may have said to himself, “A Christian never hates. I am a Christian, therefore I never feel hatred.” And the aggression which is part of the normal equipment of an average human being is
then buried in the unconscious, only to come out in some unacceptable form, often as a physical symptom.”Denial of emotions also acts as poison to relationships. It erects “brick walls” around the heart and suffocates love, intimacy and closeness.
To help us become personally honest, authentic and real, and thereby greatly enhance our relationships, Dick Innes advises us to take the following steps:
First, we need to realize and accept that a normal human being has a whole spectrum of emotions ranging from love, joy, peace, wonder, through to fear, hurt, anger and so on. These are all God-given emotions. Without them, life would be characteristically dull and boring. To be emotionally whole means to be in touch with each and every one of our God-given human emotions.
Second, we need to see our need and strongly desire to be honest.
Third, we need to admit and accept responsibility for any problems we have, and consider the possibility that our impaired relationships, dull marriage, unsatisfactory sex life in our marriage, anxiety, depression, destructive habits and any physical symptoms we have might be caused by unresolved super-charged repressed negative emotions.
Fourth, and most important of all, we need to learn to ask for God’s help and pray the right prayer. Most of all, be honest in your prayers and admit if you are afraid to be honest with yourself and don’t know how to become honest and authentic and ask for Divine help and guidance. Ask GOD to give you the courage to see yourself as you are and to face the truth about yourself. His answer will probably come in an unexpected ways–perhaps through a book, a personal setback, a friend, a difficult or broken relationship, or some other painful situation. Unfortunately, most of us only look at our inner-self when we are already hurting sufficiently.
Fifth, learn through practice to express your feelings openly and honestly, especially to the people who are important to you. If you’re feeling hurt, afraid, confused, or angry, admit it and say, “I feel confused or angry.” Never say, “You make me angry,” or “You hurt me.” This blames the other person for our response, which is always our problem and responsibility. Identify why you are feeling the way you are. For example, say, “I know my feelings are my problem, and I may be overreacting, but when you speak sharply to me as you just did, I feel hurt and/or angry.” Or simply, “When you say (or do) things like that, I feel very hurt and/or angry.”
If the person won’t accept your feelings, write them out in a letter. If you feel you should give it to the person, sleep on it and re-write it before doing so. If they still won’t accept them, try what Gary Smalley and John Trent suggest in their book, The Language of Love. Share how you are feeling by using word pictures or make a story or parable that will clearly show how you are feeling.
Know that true real love is always open and honest and as the Bible says, always strive to “speak the truth in love.” Therefore, do not blame others for your feelings, but take full responsibility for them and handle them in a loving, non-judgmental manner.
Denying our faults and feelings, acting them out blindly, or lashing out and hurting others with them, is weak and immature. Acknowledging and talking them out in a responsible manner is a hallmark of the mature adult. It may not be easy, but it is true strength, and is the only way to develop growth-producing and intimate relationships.
Furthermore, Dick Innes suggest the following prayer:
“Dear God, please help me to be honest with myself, and open and honest in all my relationships and with you–and thereby be a clear channel for your love to flow through to every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus’ name, amen.”
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